750 Words

I've just discovered a cool site called 750words.com

It does pretty much what it says on the tin.  You log in each day and write 750 words about anything. Could even just write the same word 750 times - not that I know for sure that it'll let you get away with that and I;m not intending on trying).  It's not for sharing, just a personal motivational tool.  You get points for reaching the daily target, points for exceeding it, points for successive days in a row...  It should help when I struggle to get motivated to write every day.  750 words takes no time at all.  If I force (maybe too strong a word: coerce?) myself to sit and do that each evening it's an easy target, I get points (I'm like a kid with a star chart - whoop!) and hopefully my brain will kick in and I'll log out of that and move onto something meatier...  And if not, at least I'm getting some of the pointless drivel out of my head every day.  Can't be bad!

Focus

I’ve been thinking too much recently: the problem with not sleeping… It’s led me to question a lot of things that are probably best left well alone / especially in my current frame of mind. For example: if I hate my own company so much, why do I keep inflicting it on others? It’s a fair question I suppose. If I really cared about my friends why would I want to put them through that?

Stupid. I know it’s stupid but I can’t prevent thoughts like that from entering my head. And once they’re there… My head feels like it’s spinning a lot of the time. Trying to focus on what matters, the important things in life, with crap like that getting in the way: it’s not easy.

I read somewhere the other day that “the only difference between a published writer and an unpublished one is greed”. I can’t remember where I read it but it’s bugging me. There’s loads of similar quotes with different endings that I find a lot more palatable but that one has wedged itself in my conscience. I don’t think I have that greed. For me, when my writing is going well (i.e. I manage to keep at it for a while and temporarily feel like I’m actually getting somewhere) I feel the opposite. If I could ever make money out of writing it would be through laziness. Because I don’t want to have to do a ‘real’ job. Writing would be the easy way out. But then again do I want to be lazy? Neither characteristic is exactly something I want to aspire to.

Anyway, the point is that after having that quote bubbling around in my head for a while and it making me want to give up entirely; I think I’ve at least partly regained my senses. Writing’s not easy: far from it. That’s why it is always such a big deal when I do sometimes find that I can keep at a project for a considerable amount of time and actually get somewhere with it. So I’ve made a decision. I was working on a few different things, depending on my mood on any given evening. I’m not doing that anymore. I’m going to focus. Set myself targets. Daily goals. With consequences if I don’t reach them. If I don’t think I’m going to be particularly productive on, say, a Friday evening; then I need to compensate for that in advance rather than think I can make it up afterwards. That’s how I always usually end up stuck in a rut. It’s the same with exercise. If I don’t do it for a few days it’s easy to turn those few days into weeks… I’ve got to buckle down and concentrate.

I would say it all starts tomorrow. Put it off by 24 hours. But I know that if I turn the PC off now I’ll find an excuse not to turn it on again until Wednesday, or later. So it starts tonight. It’s not like I’m going to be missing out on any sleep if I end up sitting here all night. So here goes, a new project. A fresh start. If it goes well I might end up posting snippets every now and again. If it doesn’t… On to the next. One thing at a time though. Focus.

Half Term

This week is half term. I’d been dreading it to be totally honest. Keeping the kids amused from 3 o’clock until bedtime is enough of a chore, but nine whole days? There’s only two left and it’s been pretty good.

So incredibly proud of James this week. He’s gone from barely nibbling at food last week to nearly finishing meals. This is huge. There’s still a long way to go as the food he’s been having is pretty basic but he’s finding the adventure in mealtimes now so hopefully progress will continue.

London yesterday (visiting school friend) was fun. Queued for the Aquarium for about a week (perhaps on hour is a closer estimate) with James needing to pee the whole time. Made it eventually to a toilet with only minimum pant-wetness. Sophie and James both loved the fish though so queuing was worth it. Booking tickets in advance: not so much. Still had to wait in line with everyone else…

Three more sleeps! (",)

Do you ever get the feeling that you don’t belong? That you don’t fit in? That no one around would give a shit, or even notice, if you weren’t there anymore? It’s shit. When the people around are your own children: how is it right to feel like they wouldn’t care if I wasn’t here?

I’m well aware that my feelings are founded on nothing more than my own insecurities and fears, but I don't think I can change any of that.

What I can do though is try.

Why do I feel so shit at the minute? And no, it's not just 'post-holiday' blues: the anticipation of the holiday just put a thin veil over my emotions in the run up to it. I'd been feeling like crap for a while. No motivation. No sense of self-worth. I don't even know why I'm bothering to write any of this down. It's not helping in any way.

It's so hard to not let how I'm feeling affect the kids in any way. I have no urge to socialize at the minute but don't want them to miss out on seeing their friends. 'Urge' was the wrong word there - it's more that the idea of trying to put on a 'happy face' in front of other people just seems too hard: bad enough twice a day for the school run.

Trying to keep busy to stop myself thinking too much: this week I've decorated Sophie's room, caught up on all the holiday (and previous) ironing, blitzed the living room and kitchen, and wasted far too many hours in front of the computer playing minesweeper. I can't go to bed until I'm exhausted as there's nothing I hate more than laying awake in bed with shit going through my head.

It's alright though, I'm not going to run out of things to do for a while. Next plan (already begun) is to pull down all the cupboards in the office, saw them up to make shelves/units etc and convert the room into a playroom for the kids. Fingers crossed it keeps me going a while as I don't see this cloud lifting any time soon.

It's been a while since I last wrote anything here: so much has happened in the mean time but not a lot has changed... New month (almost finished), new school term for Sophie, new government (I'm not even going to get into how I feel about that, I'd be here all night)...

Two more OU assignments have been due in; I did well in one and didn't bother with the other... That earned me a rather stern look from my mother, but I've never been one for putting any more effort into my work than I needed to (unless it was something I was really interested in), so it shouldn't really have come as a surprise to her. Maybe that was part of the problem, perhaps she thought I'd grown up since school... It doesn't matter anyway, my overall continuous assessment score is enough to pass the course - as long as I get 40% in the exam. Still got a while to revise for that: 14th June, that's weeks away right?

I've had at three nights out since I last wrote. Three, is that right? Sounds rather excessive for me... I went out for my birthday; drank too much, made some rather weird comments (including somehow comparing baby feet to sharks teeth - not quite sure how, I might have to find out how that worked...) good night out though. Then I had free tickets to a recording of Would I Lie To You: I was really looking forward to that but we didn't make it to the studio on time. Ended up going to see Iron Man II at the cinema instead - definitely not a wasted evening. Most recently, I went to see Lee Mack live in Hammersmith. I love that man. Brilliant birthday present from Brendan, even if he hasn't paid me back for the tickets yet ;)

The kids are continuing to grow up far too quickly. I won't complain though, this age is just brilliant. Despite all the strops, tantrums, answering back etc! Besides, now they're bigger I've actually managed to plan a holiday. Chalet just outside Cardiff for 7 days, in less than 4 weeks. I can't wait. I'm not wishing the time away though, got my OU exam 5 days beforehand... That sounds pretty close; maybe I should start thinking about revising...

Just to put a dampener on things (his timing is impeccable as always) Scott's been back in touch about the kids. He "would like 2 be apart off both there lives" - how come it's the grammar that grates more than anything else? I could easily agree to him being "apart" from their lives, that's easy. Can I, with a clear conscience, assume that's what he really meant? Damned Facebook. It makes it too easy for people best forgotten to make themselves remembered. I've always said I would never stop him seeing the kids though, and I won't go back on that. But if he's serious, he needs to get in touch with the CSA first...

With that slightly sour note, I'm going to leave this for now. I'll no doubt be back again in a month or so... For now, I have half a can of Fosters (my second of the night) waiting for me, and I think I can hear my bed calling. It's hard to tell from down here...

Well, so far April is definitely better than March. Mainly due to the fact that I haven't had a message from Scott this month, but also I've eaten copious amounts of chocolate so there's a party going on in my body at the minute. I'll get back into my healthy(ish) eating and regular exercise routine soon. Might leave it until after my birthday, though that's still a couple of weeks away so seems a bit on the lazy side...

New 'Doctor Who' absolutely rocks. In true obsessive fan-girl fashion I've watched yesterday's episode three times already. The third one doesn't really count though as that was the kids' wanting to see it, I just happened to not feel the need to do any housework while it was on. Matt was brilliant; such an expressive face and seems more alien than the last two incarnations. Moffatt's writing was as good as I expected, fantastic lines throughout the episode. I particularly loved: "You're scottish - fry something". Looks set to be a great series. Both Sophie and James are now saying 'Doctor Eleven' is their favourite doc; I'm still a Tennant girl.

New series of 'Ashes to Ashes' off to a flying start too and 'Outnumbered' and 'Waterloo Road' both return this week. I'll now be watching over 5 hours of TV a week (with QI and 'Flash Forward') - that's rather excessive for me! When am I going to have time to write? I've just paid ₤8 to enter a 'first chapter' writing competition that closes in July. The idea being that as I've paid I might put some effort in. ₤8 is already seeming like it is not a lot though, I can see myself still not bothering. Not the right attitude though. Positive thinking.