Wednesday, 26 October 2011
Thursday, 13 October 2011
Tuesday, 4 October 2011
Saturday, 10 September 2011
Stupid. I know it’s stupid but I can’t prevent thoughts like that from entering my head. And once they’re there… My head feels like it’s spinning a lot of the time. Trying to focus on what matters, the important things in life, with crap like that getting in the way: it’s not easy.
I read somewhere the other day that “the only difference between a published writer and an unpublished one is greed”. I can’t remember where I read it but it’s bugging me. There’s loads of similar quotes with different endings that I find a lot more palatable but that one has wedged itself in my conscience. I don’t think I have that greed. For me, when my writing is going well (i.e. I manage to keep at it for a while and temporarily feel like I’m actually getting somewhere) I feel the opposite. If I could ever make money out of writing it would be through laziness. Because I don’t want to have to do a ‘real’ job. Writing would be the easy way out. But then again do I want to be lazy? Neither characteristic is exactly something I want to aspire to.
Anyway, the point is that after having that quote bubbling around in my head for a while and it making me want to give up entirely; I think I’ve at least partly regained my senses. Writing’s not easy: far from it. That’s why it is always such a big deal when I do sometimes find that I can keep at a project for a considerable amount of time and actually get somewhere with it. So I’ve made a decision. I was working on a few different things, depending on my mood on any given evening. I’m not doing that anymore. I’m going to focus. Set myself targets. Daily goals. With consequences if I don’t reach them. If I don’t think I’m going to be particularly productive on, say, a Friday evening; then I need to compensate for that in advance rather than think I can make it up afterwards. That’s how I always usually end up stuck in a rut. It’s the same with exercise. If I don’t do it for a few days it’s easy to turn those few days into weeks… I’ve got to buckle down and concentrate.
I would say it all starts tomorrow. Put it off by 24 hours. But I know that if I turn the PC off now I’ll find an excuse not to turn it on again until Wednesday, or later. So it starts tonight. It’s not like I’m going to be missing out on any sleep if I end up sitting here all night. So here goes, a new project. A fresh start. If it goes well I might end up posting snippets every now and again. If it doesn’t… On to the next. One thing at a time though. Focus.
Friday, 25 February 2011
This week is half term. I’d been dreading it to be totally honest. Keeping the kids amused from 3 o’clock until bedtime is enough of a chore, but nine whole days? There’s only two left and it’s been pretty good.
So incredibly proud of James this week. He’s gone from barely nibbling at food last week to nearly finishing meals. This is huge. There’s still a long way to go as the food he’s been having is pretty basic but he’s finding the adventure in mealtimes now so hopefully progress will continue.
London yesterday (visiting school friend) was fun. Queued for the Aquarium for about a week (perhaps on hour is a closer estimate) with James needing to pee the whole time. Made it eventually to a toilet with only minimum pant-wetness. Sophie and James both loved the fish though so queuing was worth it. Booking tickets in advance: not so much. Still had to wait in line with everyone else…
Three more sleeps! (",)
Tuesday, 21 December 2010
Do you ever get the feeling that you don’t belong? That you don’t fit in? That no one around would give a shit, or even notice, if you weren’t there anymore? It’s shit. When the people around are your own children: how is it right to feel like they wouldn’t care if I wasn’t here?
I’m well aware that my feelings are founded on nothing more than my own insecurities and fears, but I don't think I can change any of that.
What I can do though is try.
Friday, 2 July 2010
It's so hard to not let how I'm feeling affect the kids in any way. I have no urge to socialize at the minute but don't want them to miss out on seeing their friends. 'Urge' was the wrong word there - it's more that the idea of trying to put on a 'happy face' in front of other people just seems too hard: bad enough twice a day for the school run.
Trying to keep busy to stop myself thinking too much: this week I've decorated Sophie's room, caught up on all the holiday (and previous) ironing, blitzed the living room and kitchen, and wasted far too many hours in front of the computer playing minesweeper. I can't go to bed until I'm exhausted as there's nothing I hate more than laying awake in bed with shit going through my head.
It's alright though, I'm not going to run out of things to do for a while. Next plan (already begun) is to pull down all the cupboards in the office, saw them up to make shelves/units etc and convert the room into a playroom for the kids. Fingers crossed it keeps me going a while as I don't see this cloud lifting any time soon.