Yesterday morning I awoke with a positive feeling of optimism. That’s a big deal for me. Most mornings I struggle to even have the faith in myself to make it through the day without incident, so to feel like good things could happen: big deal.
In a moment that I can only describe as being lacking in thought-through-ness (lovely grammar there!), I decided to spread my optimism across the miles to Scott and send him a message on Facebook pretty much inviting him to come and see the kids.
This is what I said:
“What sort of arrangement were you thinking? Regular visits? Need some sort of reassurance that you're not going to mess them about. I don't want my kids being upset by you coming into their lives and then disappearing. They've managed perfectly well without you for the last four years. I hope you'd understand why I'd be wary.”
After his erratic communications in the past I was quite prepared to wait a few weeks, or months for a reply, but that didn’t stop me dwelling on the idea all afternoon. As soon as I sent the message I regretted it. I know there are plenty of arguments FOR letting him see them (not least of which is my being fed up with James talking about Scott as if he’s this amazing person that he’s not allowed to see) but all I can seem to focus on is the arguments AGAINST them seeing him.
What if they don’t like him?
What ifhe doesn’t like them?
What if they DO like him; he lets them down and disappears?
What if they like him more than they like me?
What if he tries to take them?
Besides all of that, what am I going to do when we meet him? I have nothing to say to the guy. I can’t imagine having to hold a conversation with him. If it was summer we could go to a park or something and he could spend time with the kids while I read a book. But this time of year? Where can we even go that doesn’t cost money? I am definitely not spending money I can’t afford on doing anything we wouldn’t normally be doing just to accommodate HIM.
Anyway, he replied this morning and now I’m feeling kind of numb about the whole thing. Apprehension is definitely there somewhere, but mixed up with so many other emotions that it is fighting to make itself felt.
26th November. Far enough away that I should be able to just put it to the back of my mind for now. But close enough that it’s part of the foreseeable future and as such, will be really difficult to ignore.
I need a new hobby.